How to help kids self-regulate
How to manage meltdowns
We’ve been in lockdown for several weeks, and you’re probably no stranger to family tension by now. If you’re feeling less than chilled, you’ll be relieved to know that there are effective ways to manage meltdowns (for both you and your kids). Following on from our recent blog post on brain function, we spoke with Clinical Psychologist Dr. Hazel Harrison, who shared useful strategies on how to stay calm, even during a crisis.
3 Ways to Self-Regulate
Get Moving – dissipate adrenaline
Breathe – change the signals in your body
Connect With Your Child – let them ‘borrow your brain’
Get Moving
If you’ve ever lost your cool, you’ll know that you temporarily lack the ability to reason or make sensible decisions. When kids have a meltdown, the part of the brain that controls feelings takes over completely, and the part of the brain that handles problem solving goes ‘offline’. This state could be described as ‘fight or flight’, and the body feels under threat. We experience increased adrenaline and heartbeat, and generally feel amped up.
When you’re in this state, it’s impossible to process, so you need to get rid of the tension with movement. “You’ve got to do something with what the body is producing,” says Hazel. “So move in the way that it’s been primed to move.” Grab your trainers and do star jumps in the kitchen with your kiddos. Be playful and get creative with it. Climb the stairs like a bear, hop up and down like a bunny, or run around your lounge like a monkey. Using movement will change the signals in your body and help you feel calmer. It’s important to note that what works one day may not work the next, so stay curious and be experimental with what moves you can do.
Breathe
The amazing thing about breath is that you can make yourself feel a certain way by changing your breathing pattern. If you consciously slow down your breathing, you’ll change the signals in your body and begin to feel calmer. Even kids as young as three can learn to do this. Try taking some deep breaths with your little ones. Breathe in for 7 counts, and out for 11 counts. It’s useful to give kids an activity to focus on, like tracing their hand with one finger. Using one finger, they’ll trace the other hand and breath in and out as they do. Linking your body to your breath is really helpful in managing big emotions for everyone, so you’ll find yourself feeling better when you do deep breathing along with your kiddos.
Connect with your child
“No child really calms down when you tell them to calm down,” says Hazel. Reasoning won’t work when a child is in meltdown mode. When you realise that your child isn’t thinking properly, the key is to say less. We often want to throw words at our kids when they’re freaking out, but the reality is that they’re unable to process what you’re saying. What we need to do as parents is to offer reassurance, acceptance, and simply be with your kids as they move through this phase.
“Lend them your prefrontal cortex,” suggests Hazel. “Let them borrow your reasoning, regulating, and decision-making skills.” It’s important to remember that this won’t last forever, and recognise that their current behaviour is just passing through. Above all, don’t let your kids feel that this defines who they are.
A note on neuroplasticity
It can be helpful to explain to kids that their brains get stronger the more times they do something (this is the core concept of neuroplasticity). So the more times we practice strategies to improve our wellbeing, the better we’ll get at it. Our brains ‘wire’ through experience. For example, the more we practice the finger tracing breathing exercise, the better we’ll get at it and the easier it becomes to use as an effective tool to calm down.
We can also rewire our thoughts. “You can absolutely ‘dial up’ another part of your thought process,” says Hazel. “Your brain is capable of change. It has great potential. What we do everyday affects how we evolve and function. So if we spend our day focused on the things that are working well, we will get better at that and start to notice all the positive things.”
Speaking with Hazel reminded us that we do have the ability to tackle what life throws at us and train our brains to feel calmer and happier. While we all adjust to a new way of living, it’s especially valuable to build the foundations of emotional intelligence in our kids. Hopefully we’ll all grow to be more in tune with our bodies and minds.
Dr. Hazel Harrison works as a clinical psychologist in the United Kingdom. She founded ThinkAvellana to bring psychology out of the clinic and into everyday life. Her website is www.thinkavellana and you can also follow her on Twitter at @thinkavellana and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/thinkavellana